Hack Garbage
Ya know, these days, the horror community is full of bandwagons, causes and trends. There’s a fuckin’ bandwagon for pretty much anything you can think of. There’s the “Horror Purist” bandwagon that currently bitches non-stop (online) against remaking horror films. Then you’ve got the “Gore Gore Gore” bandwagon and their belief that “twists are evil” and “Japanese horror should go home” and there’s even an “Uncut/Unrated or Nothing” bandwagon that insists a film is unwatchable unless it’s completely uncut and untouched by the MPAA. Different strokes for different folks though, right?
One particular movement that should have been retired years ago was the “Uwe Boll” bandwagon. See it’s my belief that much of the horror community is unsatisfied with the state of horror cinema and it demands a scapegoat. Fans feel they must blame somebody, other than themselves and studios, for shitty horror and who better to point a finger at than Uwe Boll; the man makes big budget B-movie dreck, he loves baiting the weak and thrives when stirring up controversy. His films aren’t the worst in horror though he’s nowhere near being the worst out there and yet the bandwagon continues rolling forward. “Fans” still attack the man personally and even make threats! My God, let it go dumbasses.
Folks, may I offer up a new, more worthy, bandwagon for your consideration? How about the “Ulli Lommel is a Hack” bandwagon? This guy makes Boll look positively genius and what really gets me is Lionsgate pays this man to make the films he does!! WHO IN GOD’S NAME AT LIONSGATE IS PAYING THIS FUCKING IDIOT?! Why would they waste good money on a string of films from this man? WHY? Is this how Lionsgate sees horror cinema? Who on earth is giving this man a contract for films and are they even watching these pieces of shit before they push them on the unsuspecting public?
When I heard Lommel was responsible for Diary of a Cannibal, I had to see it. Why, you ask? Well, awhile back Lommel worked with a guy named Marian Dora who produced three of Lommel’s garbage films as well as pulled second unit director duty on two of them. Anyhow, back in 2005 Marian made a phenomenal (and gory) film called Cannibal based on the real life case of German cannibal Armin Meiwes. A year later Lommel starts work on his own cannibal film called…yup you guessed it…Cannibal. Lommel’s film was ALSO based on the case of Armin Meiwes with some significant changes made. For starters Lionsgate had already used the title Cannibal when they retitled a French Canadian production called, White Skin, so they were forced to change Lommel’s Cannibal to Diary of a Cannibal. The lead character of Armin Meiwes would be replaced with a young woman and the plot would be replaced with a few poorly delivered lines of dialogue and a series idiotic quasi-arthouse flashbacks.
The film starts off with a young woman named Noelle (Jillian Swanson) lying in a prison hospital bed after being severely beaten by female inmates. Some pushy police detectives begin pressing Noelle for her account of the events that lead to her incarceration, which makes no sense at all when you consider she’d already been convicted and sent to prison! Obviously, Lommel is an brainless idiot and the cops were nothing more than cheap plot devices used to get the story rolling so I’ll just continue…
Noelle, encouraged by letters from her dead father, sets out to find her knight in shining armor online and connects with a great guy named Adam (Trevor Parsons). Eventually they meet and fall madly in love but Adam isn’t quite right and begins to insist Noelle eat him in order for them to be truly one. Knowing his request is absolutely insane she refuses and even stops taking his calls. Adam is insistent though and Noelle finally gives in to his request. They drive out to the middle of nowhere, bunk down in a warehouse and prepare for the task at hand. Noelle does the deed, cooks his innards, eats him and then steps out for a smoke allowing some garbage picking bumpkin to wander into the garage of the warehouse, spot the grisly scene and call police.
There’s no doubt in my mind that Lommel attempted to capture some of the arthouse feel of Dora’s Cannibal but Lommel failed miserably. This film was padded out with a ridiculous amount of flashbacks, montages, fade in / fade outs, Bible verse interludes and long, boring stretches of dialogue free “Lot Lizard” wandering by Noelle. The opening credit sequence alone is a little over 5 minutes long! Lommel even reuses shots over and over again! This was a 14 minute short film beefed up with 67 minutes of fluff and stupidity accompanied by an obnoxious score.
The ONLY entertaining parts in this film consisted of Jillian Swanson’s perfect nipples and a poorly executed “black bag over the headless corpse” gag. Be sure to note “entertaining” does not equal worthwhile in this case.
Going into this movie I knew there was a great possibility I wouldn’t like it because I’ve had the great displeasure of seeing Lommel’s films before but I was curious to see how closely Lommel would try and copy Dora’s work. In some ways it was also a morbid fascination with this man’s truly bad filmmaking not unlike the fascination one experiences when slowly driving past a gory car accident in which some old coot’s intestines are strewn about their car interior.
Folks, Ulli Lommel is a very very bad filmmaker and Lionsgate do their best to con consumers into purchasing or renting his films. They hook the curious with intriguing artwork, reel in the profit and continue to financially back this clod all while laughing to the bank. Some of you out there may find my claims harsh but NO company can knowingly release his films without having some inkling of their tremendous shittiness.
I believe this will be the first film I have ever rated crap all across the board and I truly hope I’ll never have to again but there’s no guarantee Lommel will die in the next few months so I’ll never say never. Don’t misunderstand me to wish death on the guy because I’m not that petty though I wouldn’t be averse to cursing him with a debilitating illness that strikes him deaf, dumb and blind! Avoid at all costs…tell your friends to avoid at all costs…warn your enemies to avoid at all costs…you’ll be sending Lionsgate a message letting them know we do not appreciate being exploited.
