Reissued DVD
Whoa…smell that?
That would be the smell of Bone Sickness taking a big, fat, steaming dump all over the majority of the indie zombie films hitting shelves. Yeah, that’s right…don’t like what I said? Go make a better fucking movie!
Lemme start off by saying that I’m a zombie fan through and through. Just like any good zombie fan, I was brought up on George Romero’s zombie trilogy. As a youngster though I didn’t give a shit about the “socio-political commentary”, I just loved the terror of an unstoppable eating machine. I can’t even begin to tell you how my world changed when I first sat down to watch Lucio Fulci’s Zombie (Zombi 2).
I grew up on Romero’s blue faced shamblers but fell in love with Fulci’s rotting flesheaters. Every maggot, earthworm and missing tooth solidified my passion for the undead of the decayed kind. To me, a zombie just wasn’t a zombie if he looked like he walked out of a karaoke lounge. Sure, the fact that a zombie could look like you or I was supposed to be what made zombies “scary” but I don’t fall for that.
Let’s be honest, death scares us and nothing says dead like a decomposing corpse. The putrid smell of liquefying flesh…the oozing fats…the gelatinous innards. OH YEAH BABY! Now that’s the kind of zombie a goremonger wants! C’mon what would a death metal album be without at least 17 mentions of maggots?
Bone Sickness is a slimey diamond in the rough; a jaw-dropping gorefest that hurls you into a pit of twisted depravity and then tosses a massive pair of breasts on top of you for good measure.
Now, I can already hear some of you nerdlingers tugging at your Orville Redenbacher bow ties and asking, “Is there a story?”, well…yes there is. Breathe easy McFlys.
Kristin McNetti (Darya Zabinski) has a serious problem, her husband Alex (Rich George) has a degenerative bone disease that makes him weaker by the day and barely able to move. Desperate and hoping upon hope that anything will work, she tries “alternative medicine” and begins feeding Alex a very special ingredient…human remains. Mainly ground up bone and red meat.
With the help of Alex’s best friend Thomas (Brian Paulin), Kristin is able to get the medical supplies and raw materials she needs. Seems Thomas works at a funeral home and snags some supplies and body parts when nobody is around. Slick and sick.
Anyhow, the unthinkable happens and Alex begins to improve! Could the “alternative medicine” be working?
No good deed goes unpunished though and Thomas’ wife Andrea (Ruby Larocca) begins to suspect that there may be more than just “medical assistance” going on between Thomas and Kristin. All sorts of poopy hits the fan though when Andrea comes across some hidden pictures of a scantily clad Kristin!
As the world turns, people begin dying hideous deaths and the police quickly begin to suspect Kristin and Thomas may be playing some role in these circumstances. Could Kristin or Thomas really be responsible for this carnage or is there something more sinister lurking in the shadows…hunting…feeding?
FUCK YEAH THERE IS DUMBASS…ZOMBIES!
See, the dead aren’t exactly overjoyed that they’re being disinterred and devoured and nothing says “Stop eating me bitch!” like a good old fashioned zombie feast-a-thon! The dead cannot be stopped, not even by the S.W.A.T. team or military!
To make matters worse poor ailing Alex has now fully regenerated but at a vile cost. He’s now a full-fledged “necro-junky” and something far more evil than hungry zombies is holding a grudge against Alex for his graveyard grocery visits.
The end is near and mankind no longer holds sway over the face of the Earth.
*thrusts hips at readers like Duff Man*
Oh yeah! Bone Sickness is a truly grotesque zombie film and it’s beautiful! Not only does Paulin give us rotting zombies, all nasty and gross, but he knew exactly what he was doing when he cast Darya Zabinski as Kristin and Ruby “Rub Me Right” Larocca as Andrea! The minute I laid eyes on Darya I said, “Holy Shit! Paulin you’d better hook it up!”
Hook it up he did indeed do. We get a breathtaking scene featuring Darya semi-nude on a bed, stroking her breasts, intercut with two moldy corpses knocking boots. It was, for lack of a better word, STIFFTASTIC.
Now, obviously Bone Sickness is a low budget affair so I’m not going to waste my time trying to make excuses for the acting because I expected nothing less than low budget acting. It’s all part of the experience. I’d say it falls somewhere between Paris Hilton and Pauly Shore. Hmm…perhaps that doesn’t sound all that great but trust me; it’s not all that bad.
By now you’ve probably gathered this film is gory and you’d only be half right…IT’S EXTREMELY GORY. There’s head rippings, ax wounds, vivisections, autopsies, cannibalism and more. There was so much gore I’d venture to say this will be the goriest film released this year. If a goremonger can’t get down with this, you ain’t a goremonger!
By the way, were those Zombie (Zombi 2) inspired vooddoo drums I heard when the dead began to rise from their graves?
Now, I did have a bone to pick with Bone Sickness and that was the story. It’s there, it’s solid…right up until Alex heads back to the cemetery and is confronted by some very pissed off “people.” The minute the robes came off I was baffled…my first response was, “Where’s Frodo?”
In my opinion Paulin should have cut that bit right outta there and just stuck to the zombie holocaust. The “twist” is on par with the bizarro alien involvement in Undead.
Unearthed Films, once again, has done a great job with the film and it’s worth every damn penny spent. There’s some awesome extras presented here. Indie/low budget zombie fans would do well to grab a copy. It would seem this DVD is in short supply; hopefully Unearthed Films kicks into high gear and meets the demand because I can see this really selling nicely.
