Evil Aliens (2005)

DVD Release

Alright folks, that’s enough of the whining. I’m constantly hearing you people whine about “remakes” and Japanese horror and blah blah boo hoo. Shut the fuck up. There are so many bad ass, original horror films just waiting to be discovered I simply cannot comprehend your laziness. If you want a new and exciting horror movie, skip the animal porn, midget gangbangs, Neopets and football forums and get those fingers moving! Locating a cool new flick is only seconds away and I guarantee you’ll find something of interest.

Too many times I hear supposed horror fans yammer about “Hollywood not having any more original ideas” and I just want to slap the pacifier from their goddamn lips! Hey geniuses, Hollywood is the wrong place to be looking for truly inspired and original horror films. Their job is to make money and get thirteen year olds in theater seats. Period. They don’t care if you’re tired of the same old same old and they don’t give 3 shits and a whistling granny if you’re yearning for the horror of the ‘80’s.

Reach in your pocket…how much ya got? However much it is that’s all they want. They don’t want to stimulate your mind or satisfy that desire to be truly disturbed. It isn’t in their best interest to make films that are truly disturbing unless they can figure out some way for your little sister to sit right next to you.

Friends…do yourselves a favor…buy yourselves region free DVD players and get acquainted with the horror review sites out there because you’re in for the ride of your lives! The horror awaiting you is just going to blow your mind! Stop crying about remakes and get out there and renew your love for horror. One such movie that’s really given me hope for the future of the genre is Jack West’s Evil Aliens.

Evil Aliens is a fast-paced, gory thrill-ride packed with sex and violence. Writer/director Jake West wastes no time coring assholes, implanting alien fetuses, hacking limbs, gouging eyes, impaling bodies and blowing up faces. Imagine unleashing 12 psychotic midgets wielding chainsaws and dildos into a Pentecostal church service and you’re really only beginning to scratch the surface. Evil Aliens does for horror today what Peter Jackson’s Dead Alive (Braindead) did for horror back in the early nineties.

The ratings are in and television program Weird Worlde is in dire straits. Chavy sex goddess/hostess Michelle “Foxy” Fox (Emily Booth) is told her job is on the line unless she can whip up some better ratings and fast! She decides to set up an interview with a young woman from Wales claiming to have been kidnapped by aliens and impregnated! Assembling a crew consisting of a cameraman, sound guy, two actors and an expert on extraterrestrials, Foxy sets out in search of “the truth” on a little island in Wales.

What the group finds there is far more horrific than they could have ever imagined…BACKWOODS WALES FARMERS.

Foxy obviously has no real intention of helping the young woman and she even goes so far as to fake some evidence in order to boost their coverage. Unbeknownst to Fox and the gang, they’re about to get all the proof they need…now if they can only make it off the island alive!

Not only was the poor pregnant girls story true but the island is situated on monolithic stones and a Ley line designed by extraterrestrials to be used to recharge their ships! When one such ship lands, no human…no cow is safe. The Evil Aliens have landed and their mission is simple…mutilate without discretion. Will the showdown between the farmer’s family and the aliens give the Weird Worlde crew enough time to leave the island or will they be forced to fight back in order to stay alive?

Evil Aliens heaps on gore by the gallons and laughs by the barrel! This film was part Killer Klowns from Outer Space, part Predator and part Delicatessen with just a touch of Cannibal Holocaust for good measure. Watching this film was like being transported back to the ‘80’s; I could almost see myself sitting watching a third generation VHS bootleg of The Beyond with all of my pimple-faced friends, warm stolen beer and generic tortilla chips! Jake West, obviously not content to waste his money or our time, has crafted an incredibly entertaining cult classic.

The acting was strong, the characters were hilariously believable and Emily “Foxy” Booth was insanely hot. She’s a chav princess.

As you can tell from this review, this film is being highly recommended. The gore was off-the-charts and the comedy was well done. I must admit I never thought in a million years I’d hear a song about a combine being sung to the tune of “I’ve Got a Brand New Pair of Roller Skates (You’ve Got a Brand New Key)” by Melanie Safka but here I sit with the goddamn song stuck in my head!

By the way, pay close attention and you’ll spot the U.K.’s own Merv & Onkey from Freak Out in a great little cameo!

I have no damn idea when this is going to hit the U.S. but I do know Image Entertainment has the DVD rights and there’s mummerings of a 2007 release date so keep those fingers crossed and your eyes on the skies!!