OOP DVD Release
As I sat huffing pant from a paper bag, fingers poised to type this review, I was suddenly struck dumb by the realization that I’m a twisted pervert. I’m a fucked up freak with a fetish for nuns and Japanese schoolgirls. Some of you are probably shaking your heads and going, “Dude, we already knew that.” but, trust me on this, there’s nothing more shocking than realizing it yourself. It’s like looking in the mirror and spotting that golf ball sized whitehead on the end of your nose that everybody kept staring at and you kept claiming you knew was there but you really had no idea how disgusting it truly was.
For years people would say to me, “Brian, you’re a scumbag.” and I’ll be damned if I didn’t wholeheartedly agree with them but man…sometimes you’re never really quite sure just how big of a scumbag you are until you’re sitting in front of a Spanish exploitation film that features a goat humping a horny Satanist chick.
*takes another huff of Krylon*
I’m…sick. Really, I shouldn’t have enjoyed Black Candles as much as I did because no NORMAL person can possibly enjoy this shit, can they? I mean how many of you would sit through a movie like that and still be able to look yourself in face? I actually sat watching this film while stuffing my face with hot dogs and Sauerkraut. HOT DOGS AND GOAT HUMPING? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?!!
As is the case with the large majority of sleazy exploitation out there, Black Candles is about as plotless as you can get. This flimsy little gem starts off with a bang (literally) when a middle-aged gentleman takes time out of his busy schedule to cram his wang into some fine little strumpet. As he works it over, somebody prepares to work him over in the form of a voodoo doll! With a few well placed jabs into the doll’s chest, the guy sheds his mortal coil. Uncool…he didn’t even get to finish up.
Anyhow, the guy’s sister and her boyfriend show up to handle some of the details of her brother’s will and visit with his grieving wife. Something just doesn’t sit well with the sister though when she begins catching hints here and there that her sister-in-law may very well be a witch! Could it be?
Like you had to ask! Not only is she a witch but her Satanic coven have nasty plans for her which include bringing her boyfriend over to the dark side and humping him, then bringing her over to the dark side and humping her then like…um…preparing her to be Satan’s Bride and, once again, watching her get humped. Zowie. I thought there was more to it but I guess not. Really…there isn’t. Like I said, flimsy at best.
Black Candles is one hell of a scuzzy flick and fans of Satan’s Blood and Rosemary’s Baby will probably get a kick out of this but truthfully the real draw here is the sex. Man, the women in this film were fucking fantastic! Big round asses, full hips and the kind of juggs that spread out like pancake batter hitting a frying pan when the women are lying down. I was drooling and barely able to contain myself as sex scene after sex scene flashed before my eyes. I kid you not there must have been a sex scene every 6 to 10 minutes! Now before you think me a complete degenerate lemme just clear something up, the goat humping really didn’t work for me. I was just playin’ about enjoying that. It was pretty gross despite not actually seeing any goat dick.
The acting and dialogue in this was MEH. Once again…who cares.
One stand out scene I have to mention is a sequence in which a big, fat disgusting pig of a man is bent over, stripped from the waist down and his massive, hairy asscheecks are pried open and a sword is slammed up his shitter. You could almost smell the ‘roids, feces and pepperjack taint oozing off the screen! Thank God I bleach my asshole and use four cans of AXE in my crack a day, right ladies? Eh? EH? YEAH BABY YEAH!!! BOM CHIKA WAH WAH!
Sorry.
Welcome to the Grindhouse – Black Candles effectively offers viewers the “grindhouse experience” without the threat of mugging or being arrested for indecent exposure. You won’t get any special features and I’ll be damned if any are needed! This ain’t Titanic you moron! If you need a “making of” featurette to give you better insight into how the characters rode cock or licked a shaggy beaver you’re one stupid assclown.
This belongs right up there with some of the sleaziest shit I’ve ever seen. It’s that good…or bad…depends on whether you found my mention of bleaching my asshole intriguing. If not you may want to seek it out for a rental first.
