Official DVD Release
How many of you have ever been in a girl’s dorm or frathouse? I have. Yup, one of my buddies helped me wire a girl’s frathouse with cameras so everybody in my Tri-Lam fraternity house could check out the hot, showering bodies of the Pi-Delta-Pi girls. Man, those were the days…
…wait…no that was Revenge of the Nerds.
So, yeah I suppose I’ve never been in an actual women’s dorm or frat house but being a red-blooded male, I already know what goes on behind those closed doors; hot, sweaty, naked pillow fights followed by hours of sticky muffin munching and mutual masturbation. I’ll be damned if that doesn’t happen so don’t even try convincing me otherwise. Ladies, your sexy secret ceremonies and writhing rituals have finally been revealed…now…why have I not been invited? I know how to paint nails, I can admire other men’s good looks without threatening my own heterosexuality and I love chocolate.
Now, when’s the next pillow fight and boob feeling contest?
*silence*
Okay, I’ll keep my eyes open for the invitation because I know you’ll be hitting me up anytime now. Until you do, I have sleazy horror to tide me over. Yesiree, good old sleaze and gore will keep me a happy camper. Unfortunately, Donald Farmer’s Dorm of the Dead will NOT be playing in my chamber of carnal knowledge. Once is enough for me and not even the barely watchable lesbian love scene featuring Tiffany Shepis can change my mind. What a dreadful little low budget super softcore slab of snoozerific sludge. My penis has never felt so cheated in it’s entire life.
Arkham University is under siege! The dead are returning to life to feed on the flesh of the living.
*silence*
OH…YOU WANT MORE STORY? So did I, problem is there isn’t much to offer here. Professor Xander (Christopher Slade) appears to be SOME KIND of teacher that yammers on about zombies and the “true nature of death.” He then introduces his class to a vial of actual “zombie blood” he acquired during his trip to Haiti. According to Prof. Xander, it can turn somebody into a zombie if ingested or injected. This, of course, he knows because he “ends” a relationship he’s having with a student attempting to blackmail him by using the blood on her.
Mean-spirited class beauty/bully Claire (Jackey Hall) decides to steal the zombie blood and use it on Goth princess Sarah (Ciara Richards) as payback for laughing at her in class. Claire successfully acquires the blood from the screaming, half dead, one-armed Professor Xander while he’s being torn apart by zombies. Does she call the cops? Nope, she heads straight up to Claire’s dorm room and pours the zombie blood down her throat while she’s sleeping.
Now, why Sarah struggles and resists her change while everybody else “turns” in 10 seconds or less is never explained but I believe we’re to assume the change is staved off by sheer force of Claire’s vegetarian will…groan. Anyhow, she finally gives in to the change, the zombies attacking Prof. Xander get lose and they’re soon all over campus…the end.
Dorm of the Dead is just bad. Sure, I understand that some of DOTD was MEANT to be B-movie bad but quite a bit of it was just plain inept. The “gore” was spotty and went from incredibly meaty and gross to “where’s the wound?” The zombies did their typical shamble and low budget “evil fingers” routine but there were occasions in which some zombies appeared to break “character.”
The “sex”, as it were, was there but we get nothing truly juicy. Dorm of the Dead skates ultra-softcore porn and never goes much further than some tits shots and an OKAY ass here and there. Don’t bother opening that new box of Kleenex.
The acting in DOTD was the typical low budget fare. I don’t really get too upset anymore about low budget acting so long as I’m getting a good story. Sometimes, for me anyhow, a good story can overcome sketchy acting. In this case the story was barely there and therefore the acting tended to get a bit aggravating.
By the way, was the character of Claire, played by Jackey Hall, even filmed with the rest of this production? The sound quality goes from low budget bad to no budget horrid anytime a scene featuring Claire is shown. I kept wondering if she was even actually physically there for the shoot.
The soundtrack featured everything from techno to faux Rob Zombie.
Dorm of the Dead wasn’t a very competent low budget sleazefest. Hell, there are times when things just get downright illogical. I won’t even start about how the film was in need of better editing and was padded with endless walking and chewing scenes scenes. Just know this…Dorm of the Dead is pretty much a waste of time. The one and only truly funny part featured the flamboyant Jeff Dylan Graham as a sex freak named Billy who just can’t seem to get it through a girl’s head exactly what he wants. I laughed…hard. Unfortunately, this scene was not worth sitting for an hour to get to.
Tiff was looking as hot as ever but I had to hold back my gag reflex once or twice when I got a good look at the chick she was making out with. It coulda been hot…it coulda been…really hot. Ah well, steer clear. Better luck next time Donald!
