OOP DVD Release
Without a doubt this is a great time to be an exploitation fan and now that it’s “in vogue” to like trash, everybody and their eighty-three year old granny is releasing grindhouse films on DVD! Film labels are rifling through their craptastic catalogues and diggin’ up the worst of the worst in order to hook cinema geeks up with the “grindhouse experience.”
Case in point, BCI Eclipse’s Deimos Entertainment imprint and their cash-in DVD series, Welcome to the Grindhouse. Don’t misunderstand this to be a BAD THING but Deimos is releasing some major trash on DVD and, as some of you may have already guessed, I’m absolutely loving every minute of these releases!
Unfortunately, grindhouse cinema is far more miss than hit and Pick-Up is without a doubt a huge miss for me. What an insufferable pile of hippie puke. This psychedelic slice of stupid will shrink the steeliest of wangs and send any hope of chicken chokin’ packin’ faster than your grandmother handin’ out golden showers. Somebody owes me and when I figure out who I’m going to demand REAL sleaze not this…this…*deep breath*
How lucky is Chuck? The guy disembarks from his massive motor home to drain the main vein when he just so happens to spot two groovy chicks sitting amongst the grass. Like the good (horny) gentleman he is, he offers to give them a lift to wherever they’re heading. The two gals, wild-child Carol and occultist Maureen, decide to accept his invitation despite Maureen’s misgivings about his astrological sign. Lame.
Anyhow, the ride is pretty uneventful until Carol starts hitting the grass and giving a group of rowdy locals riding in the back of a truck a free dance and peep show. Things begin to look like they could go bad for the group but Chuck passes the truckload of scumwads and they continue on their pointless journey. While Carol and Chuck free their minds, Maureen starts flippin’ the tarot cards and predictin’ all sorts of doom and gloom for the group. Eerily enough they do hit more trouble when they run into a nasty storm and are forced to take some wild detours that end up losing them in the Florida everglades! Lame.
So yeah, the group gets lost in the ‘glades and Chuck and Carol decide to run all over the fucking swamp butt naked. They also swim naked, climb trees naked and swing on a swing while being naked. Wait…a swing in the swamp? Not to be left out of the fun, Maureen is having fucked up visions of Greek deities, devilish clowns and a sleazy, double-talking politician trying to con Maureen into voting for him. Um…what?
Interspersed between Maureen’s symbolic visions and the other two naked dumbasses are idiotic vignettes designed to gives us a better glimpse into the three fools and their individual sexual awakenings. One is molested by a priest, the other is bullied by a religious mother and the last acts out in anger and grief by allowing a boy to feel her up. *groan*
By the time this dud actually kicks in gear you’ll realize you’ve just sat…annoyed…bored for over an hour. Man, there was no plot here whatsoever. It’s just two girls and a guy getting lost in the swamps, getting naked and having visions. Oh man am I disappointed. Somebody owes me a hand job or, at the very least, a bottle of Night Train.
The acting, if you actually care, was okay for its obvious low budget though Jill Senter’s obnoxious portrayal of free-lovin’ little Carol made me want to stomp her head into Waldorf salad. Hmm…actually the only reason I even sat through this tedious offal was in the hopes of seeing some overgrown 70’s beaver and some hippie nipple licking. BAH.
If you’re hoping for special features…you’re a chump. You get trailers and that’s it. Did you really expect audio options and a making of? HA! If BCI really wanted to make shit authentic they should have packaged these releases with a spent hypodermic needle still containing a bit of blood and heroin, a wet wipe to clean the front of your pants and scratch-n-sniff stickers that provide you with the fascinating aromas of roidy ass, dried protein and vomit. No such luck though.
If you plan to purchase this because you’re a trash fan…good luck. Be prepared to quickly follow this film up with some ILSA. If you believe you’re going to get something along the lines Last House on the Left or House on the Edge of the Park…you deserve to purchase this and suffer the bitter blast of buyer’s remorse.
