DVD Release
Man, two Mark A. Altman films in one week? Does God hate me or something? Was it that kitten I kicked or my passion for midget porn? Having to watch this much Altman in one week is like yawning after somebody farted or having your fingers rip through one ply toilet paper while wiping your ass. First disbelief…then shock…then anger. What’s even worse is having to admit neither film was entirely disagreeable. *chokes* GAH!! I know…I know…as much as I despise what the man does I’m forced to consider the possibility that he may be getting better…GAH!
Don’t get me wrong…when I say this film wasn’t entirely disagreeable that means it was…JUST OKAY. I wasn’t disappointed but I wasn’t blown away either. Some of you hate when I use the “JUST OKAY” designation but there’s just no other way to describe some films. I could say “so so” or “meh” but they just don’t do lukewarm films justice.
The Darkroom is just that though…lukewarm. The concept was mildly interesting though highly predictable despite multiple red herrings. In my opinion it was far too tame for the subject matter being addressed. Imagine The Jacket, The Butterfly Effect and The Stepfather all mashed together, strained through an After School Special and finally dumbed down and you’re starting to get the picture. Sure, there’s nudity, cursing and murderous mayhem but it all feels so…so…tame and uneventful.
Dr. Allen (Ellie Cornell), a pharmaceutical company scientist, is anxious to test a new drug her company is developing that may help amnesiacs recall all of their lost memories. She selects a man (Reed Diamond) with no name or history. 15 years prior he was discovered walking down a street disoriented and bloody with no memory of the events that lead him there. Offered the chance to possibly uncover his lost memories, he gives his consent and Dr. Allen administers the experimental drug. Unfortunately a violent seizure rocks the man’s body and nothing but a few hallucinations and random visions occur. The experiment is a failure and Dr. Allen leaves despite the man’s pleas to help him remember what happened to him all those years ago.
While en route to his room, a disturbance breaks out with one of the inmates and the man slips out of the hospital through an open door. Finally free, he sets out hoping to uncover his past. Is he still hallucinating from the drug though? He keeps getting flashes of blood, monsters and a tortured woman…could he have been a killer?
While wandering the streets he comes across loveable loser Stanley (Shawn Pyfrom) being mugged for his new jacket by neighborhood bullies. They soon become somewhat friends and the man, dubbed John by Stanley, agrees to help Stanley follow his Stepfather Bob (Greg Grunberg). Stanley’s alcoholic mother Cheryl (Lucy Lawless) and Bob are constantly fighting and Bob is always leaving the house at night with his camera. Stanley begins to get curious as to what Bob might be doing at night and what lies in Bob’s darkroom. Is Stanley prepared for the truth? Can “John” help Stanley uncover his family mystery while uncovering his own forgotten tragedy?
Two words…LUCY LAWLESS. I mean absolutely NO disrespect to Miss Lawless or her husband Rob Tapert but…I’D LICK THAT WOMAN FROM HEAD TO TOE. Why we never got to see Lucy in her Xena outfit pose nude for Hustler I’ll never know…what an unfair world we live in. Blonde or brunette, Lucy Lawless could stiffen a bowl of cooked noodles!
Lucy lovin’ aside, The Darkroom is interesting enough to hold your attention but never pushes any buttons or step on any toes; it’s sanitary horror for rental shelves. Director Mike Hurst is always on the verge of impressing me but he stops short of creating actual HORROR. Is it the fact that he collaborates with Mark A. Altman? I really couldn’t say…I suppose I’ll find out when his installment of Pumpkinhead drops.
One thing that can be said of Mike Hurst and his films is the man knows his monsters. He’s no dummy when it comes to creatures and he goes to one of the best, in my opinion, low budget FX houses out there to get them…Almost Human. Bob Hall is a master when it comes to creatures with twisted flesh. Take my word for it; The Darkroom’s “mud monster” is too fuckin’ cool!
The Darkroom probably won’t wow you but I wasn’t left feeling cheated after watching it. Lawless was hot, we get a great tit shot from Julian Berlin and Reed Diamond is great as the tortured “man with no name.” As I said though…I felt this film just stopped short of crossing the line into true visceral horror. There were instances that just didn’t make sense like a semi-clothed sex slave. I don’t know about some of you but I like my sex slaves ready for action! Why would I want to constantly fumble with a back latch on a bra?
By the way, loved the little wink wink to Hurst’s previous film Room 6!
Almost Human & Lucy Lawless certainly don’t warrant purchasing this film but I’d probably recommend a non-party rental when you’re in the mood for something that won’t even come close to scaring or offending you.
