DVD Artwork
There’s one thing that royally pisses me off (actually there are many, but for the sake of this review there is just one) and that is DVD releases that have “The Uncut Version” emblazoned across the sleeve. Leading you to believe that the movie contained within might hold a few shocks. Well, I’ll let you know right now that Don’t Answer The Phone is not in the slightest bit shocking, and I can’t quite establish what was cut in the first place. It certainly isn’t any blood or gore, maybe it’s a bit of nudity or some of the language, regardless, don’t let the blurb fool you into thinking that this is something it isn’t.
Actually there are a few shocking moments here, but I can assure you they are shocking in the worst possible way. More on that later though as I better tell you what it is all about.
When I first saw the title I thought maybe it would be along the lines of what Scream was many years later. You know what I mean, some daft idiot phoning up and terrorizing hapless young victims, before ending their pretty little lives.
What it is in actual fact is a story about an ex-Vietnam vet that is making his merry way around Los Angeles murdering young women. Not really very much in the way of phone-calls to warn them! The phone-calls are made however to a radio psychologist, that looks nothing like Kelsey Grammar before you ask, teasing her with information about himself and his victims.
The psychologist soon gets involved with the police, in more ways than one, as they try to catch the killer before he strikes again.
It’s all very predictable stuff really, and there are only a few aspects to the movie that lift it above me giving it a handsome butt-kicking. One being the role of the killer, who is played by Nicolas Worth, and although he doesn’t give the best acting performance I have ever seen, does add an air of unease to proceedings. When he wasn’t making me chuckle during some pointless scenes of him working out (which are only there to show us he’s a tough cookie) he does give a genuinely creepy performance.
Much more than can be said about the rest of the cast, which on the whole stank up the movie big time.
The two cops leading the investigation come across as a couple of halfwits that have been given, for reasons I can only guess, dialogue that is riddled with unfunny jokes and about as much of an idea as to how to solve this crime as a coma victim. They really do spoil what could have otherwise been a relatively enjoyable movie.
I say relatively enjoyable, but what I mean to say it that it isn’t complete crap. There were far too many unintentional laughs, annoying characters and cliches ripped straight out of Serial Killers for Dummies. “Oh poor me, I could never please my parents, so I must go out and kill sexy young women now. Maybe I’ll pose as a photographer in an attempt to lure them to my studio”. For fucks sake, it’s nothing we haven’t seen numerous times, and executed in a far better way. They could have at least thrown in a little claret here and there, alas there is none of that until the final scenes. Even then it doesn’t really add much.
There is a certain sleazy 80′s charm to the movie though. The electronic score for starters just reeked of the era, and I’ll admit that I did quite enjoy that aspect of the movie. There is also a nasty misogynistic feel that prevails throughout, which does add to the small amount of tension the filmmakers to manage to create.
On the whole though Don’t Answer The Phone is just way too pedestrian, and far too predictable to lift itself above average. A far better, and much nastier, example of this style of movie is William Lustig’s Maniac. Now there was a movie that got under your skin, took a shit there, and left it to fester for a few hours. Don’t Answer The Phone is more like an annoying itch, you can’t really ignore it but you’d much rather that is just disappeared.
Oh well, let’s move onto the extras, hopefully that will cheer me up a little. Well yes, they will, a little I suppose. To accompany the movie there is an Audio commentary from the Director, as well as an interview with Nicolas Worth. Also on here are a few trailers, a stills gallery and some hidden Easter eggs, which I admit I was too lazy to look for! Not the best release ever, but probably better than the movie deserved.
Don’t Answer The Phone is probably just about worth a rental. That is if you are in the mood for a movie that won’t challenge you in any way shape or form.
