Previously Haunted Prison
So, here I am faced with yet another Kevin VanHook film for review and, just as I was with Voodoo Moon, I’m terribly disappointed. Now, I won’t call the guy a hack or anything like that because I don’t feel VanHook has reached the level of sheer hackosity possessed by the likes of Mark A. Altman. Another couple of these “made-for-cable” dingleberries though and Altman may be forced to confront VanHook in a death match to defend his crown.
Unlike his last film Slayer, which I enjoyed, Haunted Prison is just plain limp. I mean what the hell?!! It was all there for the taking! VanHook had all the ingredients for a sweet B-movie but its obvious this wasn’t even shot with cuts in mind! All the things that make B-movies so goddamn fun were totally missing from this jog through Yawn Park.
Haunted Prison, originally entitled Death Row, is one of those safe B-movies that never attempt to do any more than what’s absolutely necessary. This felt like nothing more than VanHook paying the bills. Where was the atmosphere? The faces within the shadows? The cries of the damned condemned to hell in the very prison they died in? Shit…where the fuck was the nudity for Christsake?! I mean YE GODS MAN you had the hottest chick in America showering and all we get is her underwear and bra? YOU…YOU…GAH!!
Three young college students, Keith (Kyle Schmid), Missy (Claire Coffee) and Brian (Scott Whyte), are on a mission to film a documentary on the infamous Isla de la Roca (Island of the Rock…ooh scary.) Penitentiary, a prison with a terrible past. They decide to interview ailing prison guard John Elias (Stacy Keach) to get “the real story.” Naturally, Elias’ story is a bit different from what REALLY happened but one thing is for certain…Isla de la Roca is a haunted place; a prison of the damned. Determined to find out more they head out to the prison itself with friends Angel (Danny Arroyo) and his sleazy girlfriend Lisa (Shanna Collins) in tow.
Meanwhile, a ragtag band of criminals on the lamb have holed themselves up in the prison after a botched jewelry store heist. The leader of the group, Marco (Jake Busey), figured the prison would be a great place to hide out because he knows the place intimately. Apparently, his grandfather spent time there as a guard himself and eventually a prisoner. Before anybody can get comfortable members of the group start meeting horrible deaths.
Both the documentary crew and the thieves will be forced to band together in an effort to stay alive. The prison calls out to them and the evil that inhabits the walls of the prison fill their souls with wickedness. Each person trapped inside is tempted and pushed beyond their limits. Will the souls of the prisoners of Isla de la Roca claim new victims or will the survivors learn the secret to leaving the prison before it’s too late?
If you’re sitting there thinking, “Hey that sounds kinda good.” I might have agreed with that if I hadn’t actually seen it for myself. Lemme break down some of the good and bad…
First of all, the title change. Perhaps there was another film out there that forced them to change the title but c’mon…WHY HAUNTED PRISON? That’s like naming your flick CREEPY GRAVEYARD or HAUNTED HOUSE. Lame. The real shame here is that the name is strangely appropriate because this film shared many similarities with the Disney film, Haunted Mansion. Both used the word “Haunted” and both had silly, comedic ghosts that constantly mugged and crapped shit up. The only thing this was missing was Eddie Murphy! C’MON THIS WAS A PRISON NOT A CIRCUS OR A PIRATE SHIP! These ghosts weren’t even remotely disturbing!
Another problem I had was the lack of nudity. Now before you start calling me a sleaze the scene that almost demanded nudity in particular was a shower scene in which an amazing Latina decides to shower off after being sprayed with sewage. Instead of getting a great T&A shot we get a hottie in her panties and bra. Yippee…no crack or cleavage? DAMN NOT EVEN ANY SIDE BOOB? Sure I could be happy with just seeing her SEMI-NUDE but this is a B-movie and the “B” stands for BLOOD, BOOTY and BOOBIES. Give up the jiggly bits or give us a better fuckin’ story!
Speaking of blood, Haunted Prison had quite a bit of it. There was some really decent gore here but you may never see it because the COMPLETELY IDIOTIC CG in this may blind you for life.
The acting, as in all of these Sci-Fi Original films was quite good. I rarely ever see a Sci-Fi Original that has seriously shitty acting. Most of the actors are typically all solid and we even get a treat every now and then. This film is no exception…we get Stacy Keach, Danny Trejo, Marco Rodriguez and Jake Busey, a man who may very well be the first clone in the world. If Gary and Jake are TRULY father and son I’ll eat my pimp hat! Nope…Jake is a science project plain and simple. The dude could snap at any time.
By the way, what’s with the whole “all mean, criminal, sexually active and colored people die” cliché? This is 2006 and we’re still not getting any black, latino or sexually satisfied survivors in horror films?
In the end, Haunted Prison won’t scare or creep you out…it will simply bore you. Don’t even get me started on that horrendous finale and the goofy, almost slapstick, “twist.” Don’t bother watching this. Shit, I wouldn’t even recommend this to the guy that stands outside on my corner with a sign that reads, “WILL WATCH YOUR FILM FOR FOOD.”
Sorry guy…I’m going to let you starve for your own good.
