DVD Release
As I sit here drinking my expensive Bavarian doppelbock trying to think of what to say about this film I realize The Legend of Lucy Keyes is so uneventful and pedestrian that it warrants almost no snide remarks or ruthless insults.
This film is just…there. Ya know? It’s one of those films that one can’t consider BAD but would never consider GOOD. It’s just…there. I never wanted to swear while watching but it also never crossed my mind to purchase this given the chance. In this reviewers rarely humble opinion that’s the worst thing a movie can be…lukewarm.
When I come across films like this I normally suggest readers rent first but I gotta tell ya…I’m not sure I can even do that this time. Fact is, if I never see this film again I’ll have lived a few extra minutes of my life doing nothing special but far more important. If that sounds at all remotely mean spirited it honestly isn’t meant to be.
The Cooley family are certainly fish out of water when they move from the “big city” to a small town somewhere in New England. See, Guy Cooley (Justin Theroux) is an environmentally safe, energy station designer chap that’s been invited by town mayor Samantha Porter (Brooke Adams) to build a windmill site in the town. Course not everybody in town is all for this windmill project and local town crackpot Gretchen Caswell (Jamie Donnelly) is determined to push a local legend during town meetings.
To make matters worse, the Cooley’s are actually living in the very home of that legend! The home was once owned by the Keyes family almost 250 years ago. One fine day the Keyes girls were picking blueberries when Lucy (Anna Friedman), the youngest, goes missing. Despite the desperate search by the townsfolk, the child is never found. Unfortunately, this drives poor Martha Keyes (Rachel Harker) bonkers and she ends up wandering the countryside, searching for her daughter, half-crazed and insisting Lucy was kidnapped by Indians. Some in town believe that Martha’s spirit isn’t at rest and she still wanders the woods outside of the old homestead searching for little Lucy.
Obviously, this legend doesn’t sit well with Jeanne Cooley (Julie Delpy), especially after hearing voices in the woods calling out to a child…HER CHILD. See, the Cooley’s have a little girl named Lucy (Cassidy Hinkle) as well and before you can say, “NO EFFIN WAY!” the ghost of Martha begins making appearances to the Cooley’s in an attempt to claim Lucy as her own!
There may be more to the legend that meets the eye though. 250 years ago something did happen to Lucy Keyes and the truth is reaching out to Lucy Cooley in an attempt to bring mother and daughter together after hundreds of years.
Will Jeanne lose another child? Will Martha Keyes finally claim her child? What really did happen to little Lucy Keyes?
*yawn*
Who freakin’ cares, I don’t nor will you. Director John Stimpson never succeeds in generating any tension or suspense at all. I figure he didn’t want old Martha’s ghost to be too terrifying because you were supposed to sympathize with her but the old hag was murdering Indians before freezing to death in the wilderness! She was no saint and yet aside from one attempt to “get” Lucy, Martha never really terrifies. She’s a ghost without chains or “boo”.
The acting was quite good and Cassidy Hinkle was absolutely adorable as Lucy Cooley but solid acting doesn’t make for a scary movie…SCARES DO. It’s always nice to have good acting in a horror film but I want tension, suspense and, if called for, a lame jump scare first. Hell, hire hobos drunk on cheap wine and as long as the story is sound and the suspense genuine, its gold in my book.
Good ghost stories seem to be extremely scarce these days. Who knows why? Perhaps the Asians have shriveled our spooky movie neeners with films like Ringu and Ju-On. Whatever the case may be this won’t be making any waves anytime soon. Hell, it’ll barely make a ripple.
Here’s a suggestion you can take to the bank. Skip this lukewarm exercise in feel good ghostery and buy you some Bavarian beer instead. I can promise you the numbing effect will be the same but you’ll experience far more terror at the end of your empty case than you will at the end of this film.
