DVD Release
How many of you have been horribly disappointed on Christmas? You just know you’re going to get exactly what you wanted only to discover you’re getting exactly what others THINK you wanted.
That’s how it always was for me on Christmas when I was younger.
One particular Christmas, my mother wrapped a big refrigerator sized box and stashed it beneath the tree a week or so before the present demolishing activities. Obviously, this caused quite a stir with my sister and I. Whose was it? Was it for her? Was it for me? What was inside? Was it Voltron? My mind went wild with possibilities and the anticipation drove me into a frenzy.
When Christmas morning finally arrived she announced there was a big present under the tree for me. As you can imagine, my sister wasn’t in the slightest bit pleased to discover the biggest box was mine. I can remember leaping onto the present and shredding the box with my little greedy hands. The box was stuffed with packing peanuts! It must be good…it must…it…it…was a pair of socks in a big giant, empty box.
My Mother was quite pleased with her little joke. I, on the other hand, was traumatized. That same sinking feeling I had back then was quite similar to the feeling I had while watching The Tooth Fairy. It was a big package filled with possibilities but containing nothing more than socks. Plain old socks.
When Peter Campbell (Lochlyn Munro) decides to purchase and renovate an old house and turn it into a bed & breakfast, he has no idea of the home’s sordid history. Apparently, the very joint he’s fixing up was the home of an evil old witch that would murder children for their teeth. Yep, you guessed it…The Tooth Fairy (Peng Zhang Li)!
Peter invites his girlfriend Darcy (Chandra West) and her daughter Pamela (Nicole Muñoz) to come stay at the bed & breakfast while Peter and hired hand Bobby Boulet (Jesse Hutch) fix the place up in time for its grand opening. Pamela is a good kid and quickly makes friends with a lonely local girl named Emma (Jianna Ballard).
The new friend warns Pamela that the old witch still resides in the home and to guard her last, loose baby tooth. See, once the witch has your tooth…she kills you and your soul will be unable to rest.
A grotesque tooth thief is the last thing Peter and his Family need to worry about though as some slack-jawed locals begin harassing Darcy and Pamela as revenge for being kicked off the land. Things get pretty intense and when people at the bed & breakfast begin dying, Peter suspects the two hillbilly brothers (Peter New & Ben Cotton) and their freakish sister Maude (Micki Maunsell).
Could these murders be the work of the scruffy squatters or has The Tooth Fairy really come back to steal Pamela’s tooth?
Who the hell cares.
First of all, those of you expecting to see Steve Wang’s Tooth Fairy designs that were scrapped from Darkness Falls, think again. This Tooth Fairy is a bit reminiscent of Stan Winston’s ridiculous CG Tooth Fairy but on the serious cheap. It was also plainly obvious to see that it was a man in the “witch” outfit.
Secondly, this story was complete junk from start to finish. Hell, the movie begins with Darcy and Pamela being harassed at a gas station by the two sleazy brothers and nearly raped. Naturally, the police are never called. Seems logical.
The Tooth Fairy herself never once comes off as a supernatural being either as “she” constantly jumps out windows, rolls off beds and runs around the house. She didn’t vanish nor did she mysteriously materialize. HEY DUMBASSES, THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN THE TIME TO USE CG!
Oh yeah…what the hell was the deal with P.J. Soles as crazy old Mrs. MacDonald? Shit man, I‘ve heard Speak & Spells deliver better lines!
Folks, Stephen J. Cannell is no horror director. It’s obvious he’s simply hacking out horror films for quick profit and it shows. While this film did showcase some cool gore and a great set of tits, Cannell and director Chuck Bowman should have just cut this down for an after school special or a Goosebumps revival.
I suppose the dialogue wasn’t all that bad in this film but with such a weak story, no amount of gore, dialogue and tits is going to redeem this crappy assembly line horror flick. Perhaps Cannell should just move on to that big budget A-Team film and leave the horror to those that truly appreciate it. This was just another cookie cutter horror flop, forgettable to the Nth degree. If you find this entertaining, more power to you.
In my opinion the best damn thing in this film was Lochlyn “babydick” Munro. Isn’t that saying something?
