DVD Artwork
Here’s a confession for you: I don’t know that much about Asian exploitation. Sure, I pick up on a few things here and there, usually from Brian’s reviews on this site, the occasional liner notes from a Panik House release or by beating Japanese hookers here in the Little China section of Knoxville. Their knowledge of film is actually pretty amazing and they’ll tell you what you need to know, as long as you don’t hit ‘em in the face.
But I already knew about the Lone Wolf and Cub series from my childhood, when my father and I would watch a bastardized, cobbled-together version of the first two movies called Shogun Assassin. Made for US audiences, it had a terrible voice-over and a lot of the violence cut out, but it was quite a hit on the grindhouse circuit in the early eighties. I spent a couple of years trying to find that movie as a gift for him, to no avail. But now, the original series of Japanese movies is available, and you should run to your nearest Shinto temple, meditate for a while then leave some small cakes in front of a statue in thanks and praise.
Here’s the set-up. Ogami Itto (Wakayama Tomisaburo) was the official executioner for a shogunate in feudal Japan. The evil Yagyu clan framed Itto and killed his wife, leaving him a single father. With no job and loyalties except to his son, Daigoro (Akahiro Tomikawa), Itto roams the countryside as a mercenary ronin, a paid hit-man. He’ll kill anyone for 500 pieces of gold. He pushes little Daigoro around in a wooden baby-cart from assignment to assignment, constantly watching his back for the Yagyu clan and others who seek to go sword to sword against him.
In Baby-Cart at the River Styx, Itto accepts the assignment to kill a dye-maker from the Awa Clan who has defected to another clan, carrying with him the secrets of a special indigo dye. If the other clan gets their hands on their dye-making methods, the Awa clan will become impoverished. It’s kind of like Plankton finally getting the Krabby Patty recipe from Mr. Krabs. Itto treks off, pushing Daigoro before him. But the Yagyu clan has sent their all-female contingency of bad-ass ninjas after him, too, and it won’t be long until there is serious bloodshed.
The plot in the LW&C movies is not that important. In fact, it’s hard for me to do a serious breakdown of the plot, like I normally do. Itto takes the money, heads off to complete the assignment and spends the rest of the movie taking care of his kid and killing people. There you go! Do you really need much more than that?
Let me give you some examples, in true grindhouse fashion of why you should watch this movie.
SEE!! Hot little Yagyu chicks in those tight Geisha robes challenge another male ninja to come into their headquarters. When the man does, the girls file in behind him, blocking his exit. He is then asked to make it back outside to the garden. The bad-ass ninja man laughs and leaps high into the air, only to be met by the blades of the Yagyu when he lands. He is methodically dismembered as he tries to complete his task, his limbs lying everywhere, gouts of blood (that are a bit too orange to be taken seriously) splattering the walls. The girls bow and roll his torso back towards his master. Thus was born the idea for the “Sadie Hawkins Dance.”
SEE!! Tomisaburo do things a man of his size shouldn’t. This guy’s pushing 250, maybe 275 pounds. He’s got a double chin, bags under his eyes and the craziest eyebrows this side of Anne Hathaway. They shouldn’t call him “Lone Wolf.” They should call him “Big Fat Tired Guy Sick of Pushing This Goddamned Baby-cart.” He’s an unlikely action hero, but this huge guy starts running and doing wu-xai flips and shit, it’s one of the coolest things you’ll ever see. Imagine Dom DeLuise as Superman. There you go.
SEE!! The baby-cart is the greatest stroller in the world. Its handles lock together to make a two bladed sword Darth Maul would have drooled over. Blades come out of the wheels and the side rails. In one scene, Itto pushes the cart, with Daigoro inside, towards a horde of oncoming enemies. Daigoro calmly pushes a button. The wheel blades pop out and the next thing you see are feet and ankles lying on the ground, pumping out that weird orange blood. Why is no one marketing this? My girlfriend’s sister just had a baby, and she paid almost $300 for a stroller that can’t do any of that shit. I think she got ripped off.
SEE!! Daigoro is the luckiest kid in the world. Not only is his dad some kind of super-Sumo demi-god, but when Itto scores, the kid is right there with him. Understand, Daigoro is maybe four years old. But he gets to flick a hot ninja nipple in this movie. It is a tad disturbing, but only for a second. After that, you’re just envious.
One thing you need to know: the transfer is absolutely amazing, but there is no English language track. I repeat, there is no English language track. You will be reading subtitles. Some of the slower readers among you may have to pause the movie to take it all in. However, the subtitles do come in different colors when different people are speaking, which makes it a little easier to absorb.
Straight up Japsploitation (or “exploitAsian,” if you’d rather), Lone Wolf and Cub: Baby-Cart at the River Styx is an absolute hoot. Boobs, blades, blood and one burly guy; this movie has it all.
